I don't know the specific age that I realized I was gay. Maybe 14 or 15, or even sooner. I don't know. I just knew. Since I was raised in a very catholic family, I never mentioned this to anyone, neither I approached any guy. Keeping a low profile was my motto, lowest as possible.
I was a normal guy and what many can call the "perfect" son. I rarely go out at night, I was a good student at school, and my parents loved to introduce me to his friends as a role model. They were pleased with me, even if I hated them. I manage to show convincing smiles and tell two or three funny sentences, that would delight them. The fact that I usually appear much younger than I really am, would help to impress.
When my father died, I was 11 years old. My brother, 7. It was a pretty hard hit for me. Despite that, everyone was happy with me. My brother was always the "troubles" son. Although he was kind of intelligent, he was a little bit lazy. He always preferred to play soccer than to study. He always had a bad temper, and couldn't control himself in some situations. It contrasted with my absolute calm at the table. My mother was more worried with him than with me, obviously.
Since very young I wanted to be a doctor, getting to med school. The thrill of helping people, the blood in the OR, it always amazed me. No one doubted that I would manage to achieve that. Indeed I did, and for the first time I left home to proceed with my studies.
But before that, let me talk about my love life. Pretty boring, actually... But well. I grew up being a closeted gay, obviously! No one had the slightest idea, of my actual taste. And at home, girls were never the subject, so I was pretty happy with that. At that age, I continued to be pretty shy and I was horrified with the simple idea of reaching for a guy and trying to seduce him. The simple thought that he wasn't and someone knowing about me that was out of "my control", scared the hell out of me. So, I had only one option - the Internet. Looking back now, I realize how I was another regular teenager with the hormones flowing through my body at high speed.
I met several guys on-line and started to know the gay stuff. I was about 16 years old, I think. As usual, most of the guys wanted one thing - sex. At the time, I didn't knew that, or at least I thought that there was more than that... It took a while, but finally I had the courage to meet a guy. The story is a little bit complicated, if I have time, I will tell later, but bottom line we met. How was it? Terrible.
He was too girly for my taste, and when I was with him I was counting the hours to get rid of him. He found me cute, and at the time, I was flattered. Now I know that guys like him, don't usually say the opposite when they want someone. After this date, I went back on-line and met a second guy. I was really taking chances, so I met him in the day after I chat with him. We arranged a place, and he passed with his car and picked me up. Yeah, I know. For someone as shy at me, it was quite a performance, entering a car of a complete strange. How was it? Well, better than the first one. And yeah, when I returned from his home I wasn't a virgin anymore. How did it felt? Pretty normal, I think. I used to imagine that I would be completely filled with pleasure and happiness. It was good, don't get me wrong, but it lacked something. When I was arriving home, I remember thinking: "Damn, I'm no longer virgin. And so what? Everything is the same, I'm not telling anyone so...". Ah, and I forget to tell. He was married and much older than me. Yeah, that's right. When we were leaving his house, he pulled his wallet and shows me a picture and tells me: "This is my wife. Cute, isn't she?" I answered, "well... yeah". And I asked: "You're really married, or it's like only in paper?" - "Oh no, also in the church. I had the whole ceremony." - "I see.", I said. - "Look, I pledged to God that I wouldn't be unfaithful to another woman, not another man!" I thought, well that's a way to put it I think... But remained quiet, it was too much stuff for one day.
After my second date, this guy wanted to repeat with me. I told them that I would contact him again. Of course I didn't. I don't know quite well why I didn't wanted. Maybe I was afraid that something come up, or someone found out. Don't know. But I went back on-line and I met another person. He wasn't looking for sex, and it seemed a nice guy. We met, and spent an entire day traveling and talking. He opened my eyes to a lot of stuff. Guess what? He knew the guy from my first experience, and started to explain me what this world is all about. I kinda freaked out with some of the stories he told me. After I say goodbye, I took one decision. I would never meet more guys on the net. I'm over. How wrong I was...
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